Olivia Fox Cabane

When you meet a charismatic person, you get the impression that they have a lot of power and they like you a lot.

Three quick tips to gain an instant charisma boost in conversation:

Lower the intonation of your voice at the end of your sentences.
Reduce how quickly and how often you nod.
Pause for two full seconds before you speak.

CHARISMATIC BEHAVIOR CAN be broken down into three core elements: presence, power, and warmth.

Being seen as warm means being perceived as any of the following: benevolent, altruistic, caring, or willing to impact our world in a positive way. Warmth is assessed almost entirely through body language and behavior; it’s evaluated more directly than power.

our minds are fundamentally uncomfortable with uncertainty. The minute our brain registers ambiguity, it flashes an error signal. Uncertainty registers as a tension: something that must be corrected before we can feel comfortable again.

The next time you feel yourself considering alternative outcomes to a situation, pay close attention. If your brain is going around in circles, obsessing about possible outcomes, try a responsibility transfer to alleviate some of the anxiety. Consider that there might be an all-powerful entity—the Universe, God, Fate—and entrust it with all the worries on your mind.

The answer, surprisingly, is to delve into those very sensations of discomfort. That’s right. Though it sounds counterintuitive, rather than trying to suppress, ignore, or power through them, your goal is to give your full attention to the very sensations you’d instinctively want to push away.

The ability to handle discomfort is a highly valuable skill. The less discomfort affects you, the fewer the situations that can impair your charisma potential. When you know how to handle discomfort, no situation can shake you; whether business or personal, there is no feeling that can make you run away.

One CEO told me that “the most effective thing you can do for your career is to get comfortable being uncomfortable.” Think of the plethora of discomforts that come with leadership, from having to fire employees to taking the heat for a team failure, or simply enduring painful meetings. Think of how critical it can be to handle the discomfort of silence during negotiations. I’ve often heard professional negotiators tell me that they could accurately predict the outcome of negotiations fairly early on using one simple clue: whoever has less endurance for silence loses.

Putting It into Practice:
Stretching Your Comfort Zone

Here are more techniques to help you broaden your comfort zone and build comfort with discomfort. Since most of these involve some degree of awkwardness, it’s best to use them in low-stakes encounters rather than with key clients or with your boss.
♦ Hold eye contact longer than is comfortable. One of my students started practicing this on passengers in passing cars while waiting at a bus stop. He said the reactions he’d get were amazing, from smiles and waves to honks and shouts.
♦ Experiment with personal space. Move closer to people than you usually would in an elevator, for instance. Notice how strong the urge is to revert to your standard behavior. Try not to give in.
♦ Hold the elevator door open for everyone entering, and then get in last. Stand with your back to the elevator door, facing everyone else.
♦ Strike up a conversation with a complete stranger. For instance, as you wait in line at a coffee shop, comment on the pastries and then ask your neighbor an open-ended question, such as: “I’m trying to decide which is the most sinful: the muffin, the brownie, or the cake. How would you rank them?”