Oprah Winfrey

From as early as I can remember, I knew I was on my own.

Mike’s brain adapted to continuous threat—his body and brain became oversensitive and overreactive to any threat-related signals from the world. Back then, to stay alive, his brain made a connection—basically a specialized form of memory—between the sounds of gunfire and shelling and the need to activate an extreme survival response.”

What kept you alive in Korea is killing you back home. We have to figure out how to help your stress-response systems become less reactive and supersensitive

In other words, your personal history—the people and places in your life—influences your brain’s development. The result is that each of our brains is unique. Our life experiences shape the way key systems in our brain organize and function. So each of us sees and understands the world in a unique way.

For one child, eye contact means, “I care for you; I’m interested in you.” For another it may mean, “I’m about to yell at you.” Moment by moment in early life, our developing brain sorts and stores our personal experiences, making our personal “codebook” that helps us interpret the world. Each of us creates a unique worldview shaped by our life’s experiences.

For example, when children have abusive fathers, their brains begin to connect men with threat, anger, and fear. And this worldview gets built in—men are dangerous, threatening, they will hurt you and the people you love. If that is your ingrained view of the world, imagine what happens when you have a male teacher or coach. Imagine how you will view a new, healthy, non-abusive man in your mother’s life.

We tend to be a very verbal society—written and spoken words are important—but the majority of communication is actually nonverbal.

But we also have emotional memories: A song can elicit a feeling, an association with an experience that took place years ago. The smell of roasted turkey or freshly baked bread may elicit a warm sense of belonging, or a melancholy sense of a lost past. These feelings arise from associations stored in the neural networks

A lifelong set of beliefs and behaviors can emerge when trauma is experienced at a young age. In one of the most serious manifestations, early sexual abuse can poison intimacy, even if the person has no actual recollection of specific instances of abuse.

This is why asking “What happened to you?” is so important in understanding what’s going on with you now.