Laurence Endersen

Fear is mostly a thought-based construct. It dissolves when we drop our comparisons and accept ourselves fully as we are, right now. Loss is as natural as birth. Choose real life over regret.

Continually asking ourselves why allows us to go beyond first-level thinking. Let’s say that you have recently done exceptionally well for yourself. Decisions are going your way and everything is going swimmingly in both your interpersonal and financial affairs. First-level thinking might lead you to conclude that you are smart and in control. Second-level thinking suggests that there may be a large element of luck involved and that you need to keep your ego in check. The illusion of control is pervasive among first-level thinkers.

Stay curious. Improve the quality of questions before getting to work on answers. Use more questions to see beyond the obvious answers. Improve group dynamics by ensuring there is enough attention given to asking the right questions. Be interested.

When people understand us we are psychologically validated. Our opinion matters. We matter.

So yes, if we want to persuade, we should appeal to interests not reason. But when it comes to interests, appeal not just to net worth but also to self-worth.

Nothing occurs in isolation. Always consider the context and recognise that it: (a) is different for everyone, and (b) changes over time. Don’t be dogmatic.

Start by considering the end. Visualise both the road to personal fulfilment and the destination. Consider what behaviour would thwart that fulfilment and do the opposite. Thinking about the route to avoid helps reveal the more rewarding road

We worry that we are losing out as compared to a present or perceived state. Comparison causes fear. Envy causes fear. Financier JP Morgan warned that nothing so undermines our judgement as the sight of our neighbours getting rich.

As the 13th century poet Rumi asked: “How will you ever be polished, if you are irritated by every rub?”

Asking lots of exploratory questions also helps. If you could pick three attributes to describe who you really are, what would they be? If you could pick three qualities to aspire to, what would they be? Is there any difference between your answers to who you are and who you aspire to be? Why? Try to come up with other thought-provoking questions to pose to yourself. It helps to consider extremes. When am I at my very best? When am I at my worst? Given the choice, who would I love to spend a lot of time with? Of the people I know well, who would I like to spend the least amount of time with? Why? What does that say about me?