The New One

Everyone at college was pretending to have a lot of friends. And pretending to be smart. And pretending to be well read. And pretending to have a plan for the future. So I moved to New York City. And I met all these comedians who were pretending to be confident and pretending to be successful. Now my wife and I have a daughter and we live in a neighborhood full of parents who are pretending to love their lives and pretending to have nice apartments and pretending to have nice living rooms. Our daughter loves dressing up as a fairy and a princess and a bunny. It’s practically the first thing we teach her. To pretend.

I didn’t even plan to be old in the first place. Fuck.

Oona, what I want you to know is that your mom and I love you and we want you to be honest with the people closest to you. Your friends, your parents, your wife, your husband, your girlfriend, your boyfriend—anyone you feel close to. I hope that you’re comfortable telling them how you feel. It’s not easy to do. Because the truth is often uncomfortable. The way you really feel about things can seem unpleasant. But in my forty years of experience, I have found that it’s the best chance you have to truly connect with other people.

Because all we have is each other.

Cynical is: The glass is half empty. Skeptical is more like: Is that even a glass? Is this even water?

We should not be having a kid. We are bad kids!

Why would I relax when I’m about to fail? I need to try hard as I fail!

“We have to take care of innocents in this world and we have to be brave enough to tell the truth about innocents in this world. So tell the truth. Tell everyone the truth. Tell anyone the truth. Because your lives depend on it. My life depends on it. And people who really can’t be heard really depend on it.”

There’s a George Bernard Shaw quote where he says, “When you want to tell people the truth, make them laugh. Otherwise they’ll kill you.”

“What do you want me to do?! I can’t leave my own body. I’m stuck with this. There’s no cure for me.”

I’m mostly just scared. This monkey in a jumpsuit stares at me with this look like—I don’t know anything. Do you know anything?

I’m thinking, I don’t know anything either.