The Art and Science of Dealing with Difficult People

Reinforce appropriate behaviour
The previous Secret focused on rewarding the right activity. Here we’ll look at reinforcing appropriate behaviour – that is, the way things are done rather than what is being done. Use both Secrets together to minimize the number of difficult people.

This Secret and the previous one have a big thing in common. They are both about rewarding and reinforcing what it is that you want in the business. Once again, this is easier if there is leadership from the top, and it is part of the culture – but your isolated contribution to reinforcing the right behaviour will help develop improved relationships with those around you.

case study Norman was coaching a manager who had constant problems in meetings with two people. They undermined what was going on, which distracted the others. Norman suggested that the manager might try several things with the two difficult people – have separate chats with them to understand

• Work on values. Make sure that company values are not just posted on the noticeboard and forgotten. That will make them a waste of time. Encourage company values to be identified and for the associated behaviours to be reinforced. So, if one of your values is “We value team before self”, make sure that the behaviours that look like good teamwork are privately and publicly reinforced and rewarded.

• Manage performance. Incorporate the above ideas into your performance review process, so that you will review behaviours as a way of life and also periodically review values-based behaviour

• Understand what makes us tick. If you are to manage difficult behaviour successfully, you need to understand behaviour! Consider what shapes our behaviour, what behaviours you can realistically expect to change – and what you can’t.
• Look in the mirror. You may be the problem. This chapter helps you to understand yourself and to consider how you appear to others.
• Step into their shoes. If you are to help people see the need for change, you need to understand those people and discover why they are different to you. In this chapter you will be offered tips on how to create trust and rapport before attempting change.
• Give difficult people a chance. There is a need for you to display leadership, even though sometimes you may not be the line manager. We will look at clear outcomes, role clarity, reinforcing appropriate behaviour and helpful communication.
• Use the right tool for the situation. There are many tools

Check your credibility. Before you seek to change others, make sure you are credible yourself.
• Put first things first. Demonstrate clearly what your priorities are and how they fit with the priorities of those around you.
• Be positive Use a positive and common language to relate to those you work with

Learn together. Link the personal development of yourself and others to the business plan.
• Visualize success. Then turn that into a shared way forward.
• Ensure that helping people is part of the culture. This is easier if it applies to the whole organization, but you can make a dent in this as an individual by supporting and helping those around you.
• Agree positive outcomes. Start with the end in mind – a positive one.
• Regularly exchange expectations. Do this with the key people around you – your boss, colleagues and people in other departments.

Let’s consider some of the many possible reasons why people behave like this:

• Past experiences. Experiences of a previous company or culture have affected them badly.
• Religious or cultural beliefs. These might cause them to reject others around them.
• Insecurity. They are fearful for their position, or possibly don’t feel valued or trusted.
• Unsure of themselves. They lack confidence in their ability.
• You. They might not like, respect or trust you.
• Antipathy. They dislike their job.
• Confusion. They are unclear about what is expected of them.
• Volatility. They are driven by emotion and ignore logic.
• Personal problems. They may have private issues to deal with.
• Grievances. They may harbour an unspoken sense of unfairness about their role or career.
• Lack of support. They are not getting the help they need.
• Personality. They are unpleasant, devious or selfish, which we can’t change much, so it pays not to recruit such people in the first place

First let’s look at the symptoms that you and others might see in your difficult person:

• Hostility. They could be hostile to you, with their spoken and written communications and with their body language.
• Lack of interest. They fail to engage with the people they work with, or lack energy.
• Poor performance. They fail to deliver the results expected of them, or fail to deliver on time.
• Low standards. Their work is sub-standard or erratic, and they ignore requests to improve.
• Lack of motivation. They deliver only the minimum necessary.
• Negative outlook. They see only problems.
• Discordant. They do things differently to everyone else

10 Will other people share your view? Is there a need to accept different behaviour because of the positive contribution of the person in question? Will others tolerate the present situation, or will they want to change it

4 Is this person a ‘square peg in a round hole’ (misfit)? What motivates them? How valued do they feel? Will they ever be happy and work effectively in this situation?

5 Have you understood more than just the symptoms of poor behaviour? Do other people need to spend more time with this person? Have you identified the root cause of this person’s behaviour? Is there a lack of leadership? Is there clarity of his or her role? Are there clearly defined expectations?

6 Are communications sufficiently clear? Are team briefs in place to give information on progress and what is expected? Is the person involved in the right meetings? Or involved in too many?

7 Are the right things rewarded? Are inappropriate things allowed to go unchecked? Is feedback encouraged? Is performance review a way of life?

8 How helpful is the culture? Is there mutual respect and trust around the person? Is there a need to accept the value of different styles? Is the culture one that encourages problem-solving, or is it poorly organized chaos?

9 Who else might be finding this person difficult? Is their performance acceptable to their team

Check the situation

1 Are there any organizational or team issues? Have there been any changes in structure or responsibilities?

2 How much do you and others understand their situation? How much do you know of this person and how they go about their daily work? How reasonable are the demands placed on them? What systems and procedures are they obliged to follow? Is someone else causing the problem? Can you understand why they react as they do?

3 Are there conflicting departmental interests that are driving the problem? Does this person report to others?