Stop People Pleasing

We allow friends, employers, and significant others—not ourselves—decide how valuable we are.

But when a child does something to irritate or anger them, a parent or guardian might express disapproval, possibly through punishment. We then understand their love as conditional. If we don’t behave how our parents want, we sense they’re rejecting us. We may perceive them as being emotionally unavailable or at best only occasionally available.

People-pleasers promise to do everything for anyone—even if they hate it or are lying

A people-pleaser is worried about rejection. They have a need, as we all do, to be accepted and treasured—to be loved.

you expect yourself to be the perfect parent, child, sibling, friend, neighbor, and colleague all rolled into one, never upsetting anybody or messing up any of those relationships, then you’re setting yourself up for failure. You’ll be bound to feel like you’re never enough, because the reality is that no single person can be everything to everyone.

To get unstuck in that destructive pattern, start treating yourself with more compassion and kindness. Try to be a good friend to yourself. Instead of being the first to blame yourself for every mistake or disapproval from others, be gentle with yourself. Remember that you’re allowed to mess up, that you’re not responsible for others’ happiness, and, most importantly, that you’re allowed to put yourself first.

People-pleasers just don’t know what’s really compelling them to please everyone. And they’re very confused and mystified as to why, after all their efforts, they feel bitter, annoyed, or sad.

If they give and give and give, they believe there’s less of a chance that they’ll be rejected or abandoned.

The people-pleaser pretends to deny that their needs are important at all and will therefore never request anything from someone else.

People-pleasers promise to do everything for anyone—even if they hate it or are lying.