How Not to Write a Novel

People certainly vary in their native capacities. Some people can carry a heavy suitcase upstairs without breaking a sweat. Some can do backflips, walk on their hands, or juggle flaming swords. Some people can even recite poetry in public without losing their dignity.

While sex and humor are both very difficult to realize on the page, it is all too easy to realize humor while trying to realize sex.

There are many different paths in life. Sometimes the path we choose takes us far, far from the main road. And a good thing, too: where would we be if we all agreed? However, in a commercial novel for the general public, it is advisable to stop and consider whether most readers will share our beliefs about the world.

Sometimes an author is torn between the desire to present certain material and a guilty awareness that others will not approve.

Above all, symbols should not be obvious. While a novel cannot do without plot or characters, your novel should work perfectly well for someone who doesn’t notice the symbols at all.

The only thing any of this does, though, is draw attention to the unconventional verb, which reminds the reader that there is an author, who is struggling mightily to avoid the word “said.”

Often the only reference to dinner (or the tennis game, or the drive to New Orleans) that is necessary is the word “after”

The author’s long struggle to master the stilted, deracinated language of officialdom has left him believing that writing must be flat and lifeless to be smart.

“An aroused and angry elephant” gives us a specific and striking mental picture. “A large gray elephant” gives us two extra words.