Autoboyography

Sebastian nods, and then he doesn’t stop. He just nods, and nods, and nods as he stares at his hands between his knees.

“Why wouldn’t you just be with a girl, then?” he asks quietly. “If you were attracted to them? Wouldn’t it be so much easier?”

“That’s not something you get to choose.”

I’m not comparing my breakup to the death of a child—I’m not that melodramatic

anything, and we’d exchange a knowing look across the dinner table and that would be that.”
My desire to curl into a ball and rock in the corner rises. This is so awkward.

ighteen, and what you do with your body is your choice. But what you do under my roof is still something I have a say over.”
Oh.
“I love you and your sister and your mother more than anything on this planet; you know that.”
“I know.”
“And I know you are attracted to girls, and boys. I know you’re going to experiment, and I never, for one second, begrudge you that.” He meets my eyes. “The complexity here is not that Sebastian is male. If I had walked in on you with someone outside the church, I probably wouldn’t have even said any

ecessarily agree with each of her reasons for warning you off, but I do agree that it’s complicated. I assume his parents wouldn’t approve?”
“I think it goes a shade beyond disapproval.”
Dad is already nodding at this. “So anytime you’re with him, you’re going behind his parents’ backs.”
“Yeah.”
“I don’t love that,” he admits quietly. “I like to think that if the situation were reversed, you would either be open with us, or not betray our wishes while you lived at home.”
“The difference, Dad, is I can be open with you.”
“The thing is, Tann, you’re

works out somehow, then you’ll want friends who accept and support you. And if, for whatever reason, it does not work out, you’ll need to have people you can turn to.”
I stare at the floor, feeling an odd warring reaction inside. He’s right. It makes sense. But I hate the implication that I don’t know this already.
“The other thing I wanted to tell you . . .” Dad scratches his jaw, looking away. “I don’t share your mother’s history with the church, so my reaction to your relationship is drastically different from hers.” He meets my eyes again. “That said, I don’t think she’s wrong. I don’t

he reason I say that is because it’s important you keep your life full, regardless of how deep your relationship with Sebastian becomes. This is independent of his religion. If it continues, and

lean forward, and I think he senses my proximity even if he doesn’t open his eyes because his mouth twitches in a suppressed smile. Pressing my lips to his, I offer up my bottom lip, the one he likes to suck, and wait for him to respond. Slowly, he does. It’s nothing like the heat of before, but it’s real.

is hand comes over me, between us—oh my God—and through my track pants it seems so innocent and so dirty at the same time, but the dirty is washed away when I look up and realize he’s watching my face, awestruck.
And I get it. I’ve never done that either.
In a daze, I reach down too. His eyes roll back before they fall closed.
It doesn’t feel real. How can this be real?
He moves forward once, and again, and this is the most amazing thing I’ve ever done—
I don’t even hear the footsteps or the door before I hear my dad’s mortified “Oh!” and the door slam shut.

Boyfriend. Yes.
“Even if I’m your boyfriend now, I won’t tell anyone about this,” I whisper.
“I know.”