I Want to Die but I Want to Eat Tteokbokki

Psychiatrist: For instant gratification. But that’s just an instant. I think, instead of such methods, you might find more satisfaction in cherishing the fact that you’ve met someone you like. Once you start valuing the time you have together, does it really matter what kind of relationship it is?

Instead of keeping people at arm’s length or living in the anxiety of trying desperately not to be discarded after a relationship is established, try thinking more in terms of, ‘Am I really compatible with this person? What do I like about them, and what do I not?’

Me: Is my binge eating also relevant here?

Psychiatrist: It is. Because when your life satisfaction falls, it’s natural to retreat into primitive measures. And eating and sleeping happen to be our most instinctive base measures. But the satisfaction from eating doesn’t last very long. Exercise or outside projects can help here. Setting some type of long-term goal, in other words.

Me: All right. I’m going to start exercising again.

Me: I’m also obsessive about my looks. There was a time I would never leave the house without make-up. Or thought that no one would look at me if I gained weight.

Psychiatrist: It’s not your looks themselves that generate your obsessiveness. It’s because you have this idealised version of yourself in your head that you’re so obsessed with your looks. You’ve made that idealised version very specific and unattainable. Which is why you might think things like, I’m a failure if I weigh over eight stone! The only thing to do here is to keep trying different things, little by little, trying to understand how much change is comfortable for you and what it is you really want. Once you understand what you like and how to reduce your anxiety, you’ll feel satisfaction. You’ll be able to accept or reject what others say about you.

When I go out with someone, it tends to be for the long term, and I end up depending heavily on them. My partners do take good care of me. But even when they understand me and make room for me, I feel frustrated. I don’t want to be so dependent. I want to be self-sufficient and be fine when I’m alone, but I keep thinking that would be impossible.

Why are we so bad at being honest about our feelings? Is it because we’re so exhausted from living that we don’t have the time to share them?

‘If you want to be happy, you mustn’t fear the following truths but confront them head-on: one, that we are always unhappy, and that our sadness, suffering and fear have good reasons for existing. Two, that there is no real way to separate these feelings completely from ourselves.’

These memories made me think how the words ‘That person has changed’ are completely useless in some cases; it finally occurred to me that to expect someone to always be a certain way or consistently do a certain thing can be a huge burden on them.

It’s why we can’t enjoy the things we chose to study because we loved them. It’s why some would rather find the nearest mouse hole to hide in than take the chance to develop their interests.

My heart hurts whenever I think of her, and I hate that it does because it feels like pity, but I’ve decided to think of it as love. And such feelings are perhaps inevitable when it comes to love.