Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men

The good news is that remorse is often genuine; the bad news is that it rarely helps.

Peace really does begin at home.

The abuser creates confusion because he has to. He can’t control and intimidate you, he can’t recruit people around him to take his side, he can’t keep escaping the consequences of his actions, unless he can throw everyone off the track. When the world catches on to the abuser, his power begins to melt away. So we are going to travel behind the abuser’s mask to the heart of his problem. This journey is critical to the health and healing of abused women and their children, for once you grasp how your partner’s mind works, you can begin reclaiming control of your own life.

An angry and controlling man can be like a vacuum cleaner that sucks up a woman’s mind and life

they have habits of mind that make it difficult for them to imagine being in a respectful and equal relationship with a woman

It is impossible for a community to stop abuse while continuing to assist or ignore abusers at the same time. Protecting or enabling an abuser is as morally repugnant as the abuse itself. This critical concept needs to become firmly embedded in our culture. Colluding with abuse abandons the abused woman and her children, and ultimately abandons the abuser as well, since it keeps him from ever dealing with his problem.

In reality, to remain neutral is to collude with the abusive man, whether or not that is your goal.

As Dr. Judith Herman explains eloquently in her masterwork Trauma and Recovery, “neutrality” actually serves the interests of the perpetrator much more than those of the victim and so is not neutral.

We need to take a large step back in time for a moment, to the early part of Freud’s era, when modern psychology was born.

People wishing to support or assist an abused woman they care about should read To Be an Anchor in the Storm by Susan Brewster.