Elaine Aron

The best protection against falling in love too intensely is being more in the world, not less.

Ellen had grown up unconsciously programmed. First, she was programmed to avoid attaching to anyone, since her caretakers had changed so often. But at a deeper level she was programmed to watch for someone like Mrs. North and then to risk everything to be secure once again, as she had been for a few hours each day in infancy with the actual Mrs. North.

We all go out programmed in some way: to please and cling to the first kind person who promises to love and protect us;

But also Cupid’s arrow usually pierced their armor only at the moment when they found out that the other person liked them.
These two factors—liking certain things about the other and finding out the other person likes you—give me an image of a world in which people walk around admiring each other, just waiting for someone else to confess their love. This image is important for HSPs to keep in mind because one of the most arousing moments in one’s life is either confessing or receiving a declaration of affection.

For example, one study found that women students whose self-esteem had been lowered (by something they were told during the experiment) were more attracted to a potential male partner than those whose self-esteem had not been compromised. Similarly, people are especially likely to fall in love after a breakup.

Look back at your own love history. Has low self-esteem played a role?
The main solution, of course, is to build up your self-esteem by reframing your life in terms of your sensitivity, doing some inner work on whatever else lowered your confidence, and getting out in the world on your terms and proving to yourself that you’re okay. You’ll be surprised how many people will love you deeply just because of your sensitivity.

Then there is the very human tendency to enter or persist in a close relationship out of sheer fear of being alone, overaroused, or faced with new or frightening situations.

Look back over your love history. Did you fall in love out of fear of being alone? I believe that HSPs ought to feel that they can survive at least for a while without a close, romantic relationship. Otherwise, we are not free to wait for a person we really like.

But there are also going to be many times when the other does not appreciate that you are overstimulated. Times when the two of you have been doing the very same things, after all, and he or she is still feeling just fine. What’s the matter with you?

I think the HSP has to take charge in these situations in order not to have anyone else to blame later. After all, you are the one who knows best how you are feeling and what you can enjoy. If you are hesitating to do something out of fear of overstimulation—not out of your current state of fatigue—you have to weigh that against the fun you might have.