Feeling Good Together

And when I said, “I have tremendous respect for you and feel badly that I've let you down,” it was music to his ears because I sounded human and vulnerable, instead of arrogant and defensive. Even though we were both feeling frustrated and annoyed, I conveyed the spirit of respect. Chris had been feeling demoralized and was hoping to connect with someone who cared about him.

When I responded to Chris, I was using the Five Secrets of Effective Communication:

As you can see, they build on the same listening and self-expression skills we've been using to distinguish good versus bad communication. Learning to use these techniques effectively will require hard work and practice because they're radically different from the ways most of us react to the people we're not getting along with.

And when I said, “I have tremendous respect for you and feel badly that I've let you down,” it was music to his ears because I sounded human and vulnerable, instead of arrogant and defensive.

But if Hannah accepts the fact that she can't change Hal, and focuses instead on changing herself, he will change. He'll change at the exact moment that she changes. This is a paradox. We change other people every time we interact with them—but we're just not aware of it.