The 'Good Enough' Parent

Reflect on your children’s world and how predictable it is:

When and how do they wake up?
What happens between waking and getting to school? (Schools tend to do ritual well – think of the school bell, break times, the timetable, the uniform, the rules etc.)
What happens between school ending and dinnertime?
What happens at dinner? (When, how, what and with whom do they eat?)
What happens after dinner up until bedtime?
What is the ritual around bedtime and sleep?
What happens to the routine on weekends?
If your child lives in two separate houses, what is the ritual around leaving one household and entering the other?
What are the rituals around school holidays?
What is the ritual around any physical affection?
What ‘family time’ rituals do you have? (E.g. Do you provide a brief regular family time where any family issues can be discussed? Do you regularly get together as a family to play games or be playful together? Or at least eat together?)

When children are safe enough, you can then move to consider other needs:

Do they have enough nutritious food and adequate exercise?
Do they have optimal medical treatment for any physical or mental illnesses?
Are they are attending a school that meets their educational and social needs?
Do they have enough ritual and routine in their life, especially around sleeping?
Are they broadly connected within their community?
Do they have a healthy balance of activity and boredom?
Do they hear ‘no’ and miss out enough so they can get angry and then learn how to get over it? (See Chapter 9.)
Are they prevented from experiencing adult activities prematurely?

Stage 4: Step in and sort it out

At this point you need to tell your child, ‘You did your best but I’m going to help you now with your problem.’ (Even at this final stage, you want to keep it clear that the problem is not yours but his).

Tell your child what he needs to do to feel safe and soothed again.
Enlist support from the other parent. At this stage you just have to keep going as a parenting unit, doing whatever it takes until the crisis is resolved, and in most situations your family’s resources will be enough.
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Stage 3: Offer some advice

If the problem is still overwhelming ask permission to try to help – again with a time limit: ‘Would you like me to see if I can help for five/ten minutes?’

If the answer is ‘yes’, you could offer to go and get a drink of water, bring in a beanbag and blanket, take them to their ‘bolt-hole’ (see ‘Soothing the Reptilian Brain’ on page 74), get them a lollipop, give them a hug, or offer to go for a walk with them. You are not telling them what to do, or how to do it, just offering suggestions that they can accept or reject – the final decision is still theirs.

If their answer is ‘no’, then that is okay, but the time limit still stands and if the problem is not resolved and their emotions aren’t soothed by the end of that time, you’ll move to the final stage.

Stage 2: Observe your child while he sorts it out

If your child hasn’t managed to solve his problem after the time limit in Stage 1, it’s time to move onto the next stage:

Name the problem again, and tell him that you still believe he can manage it.
This time, though, stay with him while he tries to solve it. You don’t give advice, you are simply with him. You also give him a time limit, ‘I’ll sit here with you for one/five/ten minutes while you try to sort it out’ (e.g. deciding who will play computer first, doing homework, completing a household chore).
When he tries to get you to step in, stay calm and reassure him that he can do it: ‘It’s okay. I’m staying out of it for now. You can work it out I’m sure.’

The stages are as follows:

1Allow your child to sort it out herself.

2Observe your child quietly while she sorts out her problem.

3Offer some advice to help her deal with the problem.

4Step in and sort it out by telling her what to do (or if necessary enlist support from mental health services or emergency services).

Stage 1: Allow your child to sort it out

A trap we can all fall into is that when we see a problem that has temporarily overwhelmed our child, we immediately try to fix it. However, as we have seen, this not only gives the child the message that we don’t believe he is competent to manage it himself but also does not allow him to practise his own emotion regulation and problem-solving skills. Even though in the end you might have to step in and save him, it is important that you go through the process of supporting him first so he has to initiate an action and learn from this, which helps in developing competence and resilience. The support process is as follows:

Recognise that a crisis is happening for your child, and that she is overwhelmed. (This sounds obvious, but some parents are reluctant to acknowledge the depth of their child’s emotions and will play down the situation to avoid dealing with their own unresolved feelings.)
Name her problem and/or emotion (e.g. ‘I wonder if you’re feeling angry about what happened at school today’, ‘I get the feeling that you are a bit stressed by your homework’, ‘You don’t seem to be getting on very well this afternoon’).
Support her by confirming that you believe she can sort out her own problem (‘I reckon you can give this a good go’, ‘I think you can sort out who gets to play first’).
Give her a time limit (‘I’ll come back in one/five/ten minutes to see how you are doing’).

Sadness tells us that we have lost something important.
Pain tells us that our body is hurting.
Anxiety tells us we think we are in danger of losing something important.
Hate tells us someone has disappointed us, that our expectations were not met

annoying initiation is a much better teacher and self-esteem builder than calm subservience

To give children the greatest charge, practise the following:

Stop whatever you are doing and focus on the child.
Get down to their level so that you can make good eye contact. (Don’t talk to them from another room and expect them to be happy with ‘distant attention’.)
Use some physical affection (a kiss, holding their hand, touching their shoulder, putting your arm around them, or cuddling).
Reflect that you know they want your attention (‘I know you’d really like me to spend some time with you right now’).
Briefly explain what you are doing, though this is less important than your gentle manner and kind tone of voice (‘But I really need to finish cooking dinner’).
Give them a time limit for how long they have to wait for your full attention. It is best to start low and increase gradually using trial and error as a guide. And if you give a time, make sure you keep to it – broken promises are a sure-fire way of increasing uncertainty, disappointment and thus insecurity. If you do break a promise, don’t beat yourself up (who can be perfect?) but simply apologise and tolerate their disappointment and anger, and make sure you don’t break the next few promises if you want your child to believe that you can be trusted.
Be confident about the separation and let them know that you believe they will be able to cope. (‘I know you can do this. Remember yesterday how you went to kinder and I was waiting for you at pick-up time? Guess where I will be at pick-up time today?’) And if your child is feeling a bit nervous about the separation, when pick-up time happens don’t keep talking to the other parents, and definitely don’t engage with the other children. Instead, focus on your child and charge up her batteries.