Rethinking Narcissism

You shouldn’t share feelings until you have a clear sense of where someone falls in the spectrum.

some narcissists might use your feelings against you, by shaming you or disclosing them to other people

Does this turn you into a sycophant? No. There’s a difference between sucking up and giving legitimate praise. You’re not making blanket endorsements of their conduct, only singling out specific instances of good behavior. Constant flattery is a no-no; it only feeds unhealthy narcissism. If you have nothing nice to say to a highly narcissistic boss, don’t say anything at all. But if you see an action you like, make sure you point it out, clearly and sincerely (or you may never see it again).

In contrast, a more productive strategy is to look for moments when the person demonstrates better behavior and underscore them. Nudging narcissists to center means focusing on moments when they show some capacity for collaboration, interest in other people, or concern for the happiness of those around them—in short, whenever they behave more communally.

Punishment brings a halt to behaviors, temporarily, but it doesn’t encourage new ones.

Catching Good Behavior

Most people picture confrontation as a showdown between the wrongdoer and the victim, more a form of punishment than conversation. And like most punishment, it tends to be disproportionate—a bit like the parent who screams, “Go to your room.

NUDGING THE NARCISSIST

The advantage of maintaining task focus is that it sets limits on bad behavior.

feeling special. The logic goes like this: If someone this special wants me, then I must be pretty special, too.

Why should this be a warning sign of narcissism? For one thing, when people compulsively place their friends, lovers, and bosses on pedestals, it’s just another way of