The Way I Am Now

Because it wouldn’t be someone like Josh—there’s no one like Josh—it would be Josh.

“Yes, because at least she talked to me,” I repeat

Back then I felt like I had no choice but to accept whatever kind of affection was offered to me even if it wasn’t what I wanted or needed. But maybe we can only accept the love we think we deserve

“I—I’m a mess. I’m actively destroying my life over this

, then… we’re doing this for real this time?”

“No. We’re friends. But we’re not friends like you and I are friends. If you know what I mean?”

, I’m glad,” he says, blushing. “I wasn’t sure that went over like I’d hoped.”

How’s the date going for you so far? And don’t let the fact that I’ve been trying to plan this basically as long as we’ve known each other influence your answer in any way at all.”

You think this is all my fault, don’t you?”

But as I make my way up the stairs, slowly, one at a time, all I can think is: this is how it always should’ve been, how it should’ve started between us.