How Love is Spelt (NHB Modern Plays)

but I don’t really ever seem it, so nobody asks and I get pissed off with ’em all. Like, feel really lonely and that’s my fault really, isn’t it? My mum’s always on at me . . . worrying.
PETA. It’s good . . . that’s good for someone to worry about yer.
CHANTELLE. I think she’s selfish. I said to her the other week, ‘Do you worry about me?’ I mean, that’s a stupid question but it’s not such a stupid question actually. ‘Apart from being run over or raped or mugged or murdered . . . or fucking getting pregnant. Do you actually worry about me? Do you worry about my head?’ and she said, ‘What’s wrong with your head?’ and I said, ‘I don’t know, nothing . . . it just . . . ’ and I couldn’t explain. I never can really, I’m shit at it. Can’t really be arsed once I’ve opened me mouth. But I’ve opened up a whole

but I don’t really ever seem it, so nobody asks and I get pissed off with ’em all. Like, feel really lonely and that’s my fault really, isn’t it? My mum’s always on at me . . . worrying.
PETA. It’s good . . . that’s good for someone to worry about yer.
CHANTELLE. I think she’s selfish. I said to her the other week, ‘Do you worry about me?’ I mean, that’s a stupid question but it’s not such a stupid question actually. ‘Apart from being run over or raped or mugged or murdered . . . or fucking getting pregnant. Do you actually worry about me? Do you worry about my head?’ and she said, ‘What’s wrong with your head?’ and I said, ‘I don’t know, nothing . . . it just . . . ’ and I couldn’t explain. I never can really, I’m shit at it. Can’t really be arsed once I’ve opened me mouth. But I’ve opened up a whole new section of worry for her now. She wants me to go for a head scan. She’s selfish. She’s thinking about herself . . . without me. She doesn’t imagine I might lose it . . . have a fuckin’ breakdown, does she? Cos that wouldn’t be so bad . . . she could have me at home all the time watching fuckin’ Trisha with her

was freaked at first, obviously, did a test on me own and it didn’t really sink in, to be honest . . . you don’t feel any different. Not that you would, your body and stuff . . . but mentally . . . I didn’t feel any different, I just thought how mad’s that? My mate’s got a little boy and she reckons she, well, knew before she did a test, she goes, ‘Oh you just know, Chan, you feel different, like you see things in a new way . . . ’ Well, I think that’s bollocks. Anyway, I thought I’d treat meself . . . celebrate. Joke, obviously. I went to this little French restaurant in Clapham for lunch, really expensive. Top-notch place . . . really romantic. I thought I’ll get all the best things on the menu . . . write a dodgy cheque for it. Make the most of a surreal day. I sat down and I started watching this couple at a table by the window and they were obviously together, together but you’ve never seen anything so wrong in all your life . . . not like they were ugly or nothing, they just didn’t . . . you could tell for a start that they were bound to split up.
PETA. How d’yer tell that?
CHANTELLE. She had hold of his hand, oblivious to everything else and he’s somewhere else entirely and I could hear what they’re saying and it wasn’t anything like I bet they wanted to say. All polite and clipped. Then they get the bill and she stands up first to leave and she’s pregnant and I thought, ‘Jesus, that’s you done now, love.’ Scared the living daylights out of me. Not that I needed anything else to help make me mind up but I thought some things are so not right . . . do you know what I mean?
PETA. Do you regret doing it . . . do you ever think –
CHANTELLE. Sometimes I get sad. Not about that specifically but

I have.
Silence.
I don’t mind talking about it. I don’t regret it. The day I found out I