The Ghosts We Keep

But now it was clear to me, I didn’t belong anywhere; there was nowhere for me to go. No friends for me to talk to, no parents who wanted to understand me. There was nothing for me.

Nothing

He was a ghost I’d keep with me for the rest of my life.

And wasn’t that what death really was? Forgetting.

Could Ethan truly be gone if I never forgot him?

I’d keep remembering him. I’d keep him alive with me.

I’d be fine.

I knew that I would be.

“Bye, Ethan.” I waved to the tombstone. “I love you.”

“All the time. I’m thinking about him all the time. Not that he knows that. He’s gone.”

Then there was a page made out of sorrys.

Sorry for not fighting back, for not fighting longer. For not being there, for not being able to handle it, for leaving, for forgetting, for mourning

Marcus eyed me, and then a slow smile crept up on his face. I felt that familiar thudding in my heart, one that told me I was in trouble. Suddenly, I felt warmer than I had before.

“Yeah, sure,” he said.

“Really?”

“Why not?”

“Right … um … do you think you could give me a ride home, then?”

“Yeah, I can do that.”

“Have you ever dated anyone?”

“Yeah, I have.”

“It sounds like it didn’t go well.”

“It should sound like I don’t want to talk about it.”

“Oh … I’m sorry.”

Can you still come get me?”

“Oh, um … I’m sorry, Lee. I told Vanessa that I’d go with her to the dinner.”

“But she said that she didn’t need you to be there.”

“I know, but I thought that it’d be a good idea if I went—you know, as her boyfriend and all.”

“Oh. Okay,” I said, but in my head, I wanted to say so much more

I sat there wondering why it mattered so much to me that Marcus noticed me, that he wanted to be my friend too and didn’t just think of me as Ethan’s little sibling.

He was a ghost I’d keep with me for the rest of my life.

And wasn’t that what death really was? Forgetting.

Could Ethan truly be gone if I never forgot him?

I’d keep remembering him. I’d keep him alive with me.

. But I had to learn to live alongside the pain, alongside this missing part of my life that I’d never get back.