The Loneliest Girl in the Universe

“You know, I only started talking to you because I wanted to see what you were like. The girl who stole my dream.”

I get swept up in the joy of stretching myself, of being able to feel just how clever my brain can be sometimes. When I look at a problem and immediately know what to do, it feels like I’m flying.

So why should I live at all?
I could do what my mother did, and just … not. Check into a pod. Leave my life up to chance. Refuse to take responsibility.
It would be so easy. But it would be so pointless. Every year I’ve fought to survive would be wasted.
I realize then that I’ve made up my mind: I want to live. I want to live so much that I would tear out the throat of anyone who tried to stop me. I’m not going to give up. I’m not going to sit back and wait for J to find me and play more of his games.
I’m going to fight. I’m going to do whatever it takes to survive.

there are always reasons for me to hide under my duvet and do nothing instead of acting. I need to start taking more risks.

Molly used to tell me that I couldn’t just pretend it hadn’t happened. That I had to work through my feelings and accept them.

I’m going to fight. I’m going to do whatever it takes to survive.

So why should I live at all?
I could do what my mother did, and just . . . not. Check into a pod. Leave my life up to chance. Refuse to take responsibility.
It would be so easy. But it would be so pointless. Every year I’ve fought to survive would be wasted.
I realize then that I’ve made up my mind: I want to live. I want to live so much that I would tear out the throat of anyone who tried to stop me. I’m not going to give up. I’m not going to sit back and wait for J to find me and play more of his games.

There are so many places on the ship that I avoid because I’m afraid of facing the past. But the past is much less scary than the future. I know what’s already happened; I know how bad it was. I don’t know what’s coming, though.

Just remember, J, you’re coping with everything the best way you can, and that’s all that matters. Don’t ever think you aren’t strong.

Though time doesn’t really make any difference to pain. It never disappears.