How to Mend a Broken Heart

it is far better for you if you now convince yourself that you’re really on your own rather than daydream about some unlikely happy ending.

And you’ll begin to remember that being single has many, many good points. They may not add up to the best of being a couple, but they certainly beat being part of an unhappy twosome. And if your relationship had been really happy, well, it wouldn’t have fallen apart.

Someone with better self-esteem would say: ‘he didn’t rate me very much,’ rather than ‘he made me feel stupid’. This is because people with good self-esteem don’t allow others to downgrade them in that way.

You see, the truth is that what we’re missing is often not so much that person who was in our life, but the experience of being in a relationship.

The Good-Relationship Inventory
In a happy and compatible relationship, adults:
• love each other
• respect each other
• are courteous to each other
• are generally about as physically attractive as one another (this doesn’t apply if one of you is very rich and/or powerful!)
• can talk about their feelings together
• laugh at the same things
• share similar political views
• have the same sort of body-clock – i.e. both like getting up early, or both like staying up late
• have a similar approach to handling money or can at least discuss financial matters comfortably
• have similar sex drives
• respect each other’s religious or moral beliefs
• are of similar intelligence
• have broadly similar ages (age difference less than 10 years)
• agree on whether or not to have children
• make an effort to get on with each other’s friends and families
• join in each other’s interests, or encourage each other to pursue activities that make them happy, even if they do these alone
• allow each other time and space to be alone, or to see personal friends
• take care of each other – especially when one partner is pregnant, ill, tired, or stressed
• hold similar views on how clean and tidy their home should be
• have similar views on celebrating birthdays/anniversaries
• enjoy the same sorts of holidays
• share similar views on issues like global warming, world debt, and giving to charity
• have similar attitudes to health, keeping fit and how much to drink or smoke
• enjoy the same sort of music, films and TV – or at least make an effort to accommodate differences of opinion
• believe they are equals in the relationship

So I’d like you to look at the questions below and to tick the one which seems closest to your main reason for wanting a new and long-term relationship.

1. Do you want a partner because you’re desperate to have children?

2. Do you want someone in your life, so that you’ll have someone to do everything with?

3. Do you want a relationship so that you can have sex?

4. Do you want a relationship because you believe it’s impossible to be happy without one?

5. Do you want someone to come into your life to make you happy?

6. Do you want a relationship because you seek financial security?

7. Do you want a relationship because you’re lonely?

8. Do you want a relationship because you need someone in your life to do technical things for you?

9. Do you want a relationship because you want to look after someone – cook, mend etc.?

10. Do you want a relationship because you want someone to cook for you and to do your laundry?

11. Do you want a relationship so that you’ll be looked after in old age?

12. Do you want a relationship only if absolutely the right person comes into your life: someone you love and who loves you in return?

If you’ve answered ‘yes’ to question 12, I’d like to congratulate you – because this is the only ‘right’ answer! Certainly it is the one that shows you to be most mentally and emotionally healthy.

I once let a hopeless romance of mine drag on for almost three years, hoping and praying that it was going to improve and lapping up the tiniest bit of attention he proffered but becoming seriously depressed in the process. I simply would not accept that a relationship which had promised so much was at an end.

I can see now that my ex-boyfriend had enormous problems about committing to a long-term relationship, but that he felt better about dumping me if he rang me up constantly, and took me out regularly for lunch. He didn’t want me to hate him after what we had meant to each other. And we had been deeply in love.

Unfortunately, his phone calls and invitations became my lifeline. I let myself believe that so long as we kept in contact there was a chance he would want to be with me. I suppose the fact that he was kind and still appeared to care was the only thing that mattered to me at that time. But it didn’t help me. It just caused prolonged grief.

So he was at fault, although I like to believe that he acted from the purest of motives. And I was at fault, because I refused to accept the very clear signals that the relationship could not continue.

So, take it from a veteran of a protracted split that was hugely damaging, a clean break is the toughest thing you’ll ever have to go through, but you’ll emerge from it quicker in the long run, and with much more of your self-respect and self-esteem intact.

Just remember then that trying to stay friends with someone through the trauma of broken romance is a mug’s game. It might make your previous partner feel better about rejecting you, but it sure as hell won’t help you one jot.

Of course many readers of this book will have been in a situation where their partners claimed to be confused about the relationship, so rather than ending it, they asked to stay friends, but also begged for some time and space to sort themselves out.

I think most of the individuals who act in this way are actually sure that they want to end it, but they want to hedge their bets, in case they feel lonely. They may also believe that by breaking up in stages, the process will be less traumatic and painful all round.

This is rarely so.

Hanging on to some small offer of friendship will not benefit you. Trust me. You will interpret every small kindness as meaning that he or she still loves you. You will focus and depend on your meetings. This will keep your mind so firmly locked in the past that you will not accept that your relationship is over, neither will you start grieving properly, or begin to rebuild your life.

The Good-Relationship Inventory

In a happy and compatible relationship, adults:

• love each other

• respect each other

• are courteous to each other

• are generally about as physically attractive as one another (this doesn’t apply if one of you is very rich and/or powerful!)

• can talk about their feelings together

• laugh at the same things

• share similar political views

• have the same sort of body-clock – i.e. both like getting up early, or both like staying up late

• have a similar approach to handling money or can at least discuss financial matters comfortably

• have similar sex drives

• respect each other’s religious or moral beliefs

• are of similar intelligence

• have broadly similar ages (age difference less than 10 years)

• agree on whether or not to have children

• make an effort to get on with each other’s friends and families

• join in each other’s interests, or encourage each other to pursue activities that make them happy, even if they do these alone

• allow each other time and space to be alone, or to see personal friends

• take care of each other – especially when one partner is pregnant, ill, tired, or stressed

• hold similar views on how clean and tidy their home should be

• have similar views on celebrating birthdays/anniversaries

• enjoy the same sorts of holidays

• share similar views on issues like global warming, world debt, and giving to charity

• have similar attitudes to health, keeping fit and how much to drink or smoke

• enjoy the same sort of music, films and TV – or at least make an effort to accommodate differences of opinion

• believe they are equals in the relationship

As soon as we open up and share our pain and distress it immediately ceases to have such a powerful hold over us. So, get talking. And one day you’ll realise that your story has become boring, not just to others, but yourself. And then you’ll be well on the way to recovery.